sixeightysplit

For the most part anyways.  I've kinda let thins go completely, bot for lack of time to actually write anything, and lack of will power to write anything that has been going on.  even my real journal is lack luster and arn't these the times I'm going to want to remember for ever?

The answer to that is yes, but like I said I  barely am finding time to eat, sleep, and breathe neverless do anything that I should be doing to keep my life organized.
Plus  no one reads this so in reality I am talking to myself.

The basics -
Boys - dumb
work - stressfull
money- even more stressful
Florida - amazing
friends - here there and everywhere

I shouldnt be in touch better with some people but then I remember that works two ways and I havent heard from them either.

Finishing this episode of Skins and then heading to bed.  I dont have to work till 5 tomorrow and with no money I et to sit around and do nothing until then.  Maybe I might get to writing.  My life needs more organization right now.  I just hate having a roommate bc I feel like I get no alone time, which really isnt true but its still weird

I honestly dont want to leave florida though.  I know I must, and I will more a short time, but come next fall I dont see myself living in NH full time.  Mom is coming down and I hope she will be able to see how much I have grown and changed and how good this actually has been for me.  Its time for me to move on and honestly New Hampshire cant offer me anything so what is the point of staying.  everyone else gets to go away to college and no one says I thing to them, I move to Florida and half my friends throw a hissy fit..... its like "HELLO how do you think I feel when everyone goes away to school.... This is my going away to school, I dont understand why that is so hard for people to understand

Skins is almost completely loaded now so I just needs to watch the last few minutes before crashing for the night

I hate my job.  In case I haven't said that like 700 times.  I love disney, I hate my damn store, its exactly like being home with different people.  I have monday off and my plan that day is to clean and grocery bingo that night.  I might go and see what I can do then.

in other news life overall is good.  Saw WATCHMEN last night.  Good movie but long and not worth the midnight showing, though I think it is a must see.
It is freezing in my apt but there never a happy middle here.  Jeanette and Rachel always end up fighting over where the temp is.  its so dumb, hense why I am almost always over at other peoples places.  I miss my brother and that apt.  I havent seen them in so long I'm getting ready to go knock on the door and just be like "HI"  I swear someone in disney does not want us all hanging out bc we all work dif hours.  I will make it work though

not that its a suprise, my head hurts.  I'm still staying out of the drama but its getting harder as people start to move around and leave.  All my friends are slowing shifting and I find myself hanging out with almost a completely different group then I did this time last month

Honestly........... THIS is why I hate girls.

I want to go out, they have the same time off I do and they would much rather stay at home with each other then go out and meet people.  Isn't that suppose to be what the program is all about?  We def arn't here to make money, thats for sure.  We had such a great time at city walk the other day, but now suddenly I'm the bad guy bc I want to go out again.  How much sense does that make?  its a freaking Saturday night and all I did was work until 8 then go over to the guys and watch part of a movie.  Which is exactly what we do every other night

Don't get me wrong, I adore those guys.  They are my family and my best friends, but they all have girls now and its semi akward sometimes just because I am the third wheel.  Brian already said that I was his best girl friend and that honestly ment the world to me, but how much can I really hold him to it when he is always with Emily.  I don't mean that in a bad way bc I like them together and she is really nice and Brian is more like my brother then anything.  I dont even know where I am going with this anymore

Why do I have to feel like the whore when I just want to be social.  I love Mandi but she cares way to much what other people think.  She was such a fun loving person when we decided to be roommates, where did that person go?  I really don't want to deal with a room change because I don't want to pay for it, and the only person I would move in with already has a roommate.  I seriously just need to stop letting this bother me.  I kinda knew it would happen, it always does.

The program overall is actually amazing.  I have my first class Thursday.  My book hasn't gotten here and I'm kinda worried but thats about it.  World of Disney isnt turning out so bad.  I still would have prefered something different then what I do back home, but hey at least I am on really good terms here because I have so much experiance.

Mandi just walked in so I guess here is a good place to end.

I'm seriously going stir crazy.  almost a week later we still have no power, PSNH keeps pushing back when they think we will be back up, and now with the snow coming I am begining to doubt we will have power for Xmas

I actually begged my mom to take me to the Central School with her this afternoon, and I'm willing going to my brothers Boy Scout meeting tonight just because they will have food


seriously... kill me now?

One of the best 80's movies is on and I have to leave for English in like 5 minutes.  I do think its funny though that Sarah, the little sister in the movie, looks like a young Zac Efron in a wig.  haha

Disney has been a rollar coster and its not even over yet.  Just waiting for one stupid last email and then I can book a value resort and my plane ticket down.  I can't believe its really all happening.  I'm so excited just nervous at the same time. 

grrr must leave for class now

yup
Disney College Program Spring Advantange 2009
I'm so excited

I heard from Disney.  I sadly wasn't picked as a Character Performer.  I'm disappointed and upset, I'm not going to lie.  But I didn't have my heart set on Character, I've been in the entertainment Industry long enough to know you get more No's then Yes's.  I sadly think my weight has a lot to do with it.  I weigh a lot more now then I did when I stopped dancing.
I want to change that much, I havent been happy with it in a long time

I'm more nervous then ever now.  Now it's a very real chance I might not be in the program at all and that thought kills me.  I'm going to do my very best to stay positive.  Everyone think a happy thought for me please

I'm i don't get accepted for this internship I might actually die

no this is not me being a drama queen
my family is driving me crazy and I can't wait to get out of here
for health reasons I can't be here anymore

as of right now
this very moment
I have have said before I am coming home to graduate and then hopefully going back down
right now
I do not want to come home
and if I do
I'll be looking for a roomie to get an apartment with b/c I will notr be moving back into this house


No word yet
who would have ever thought this would be so stressful


I am sick right now
and it sucks
I hate cold season

or at least I hope its only a cold
I hate this time of year


Waiting for WDWCP is single handily the most stressful waiting period in my life

and Waiting and waiting and waiting

I HATE this part

There is nothing I can do right now but continue waiting day to day and just leading my normal life until I get a final answer.

The audition went pretty well I think
the routine was easy and I believe I danced it well

I wasn't pulled as a look a like (even though I wasn't expecting to.  I don't believe I look like any of the characters) and I wasn't pulled for the advanced dance part, which kinda of got me down, i'm not going to lie.
Though from what I have heard right now, I guess it doesn't actually matter.  I am reading a LJ blog written by someone down there right now, and according to her, there are people cast in the parades who weren't not pulled for the advanced dance audition.  That kinda makes me feel a little better b/c I would much rather be a parade dancer then a character friend

But it's still all up in the air.  My stomach goes into all these weird knots and I really want acceptance into this program more then words can actually say.  I will be just as happy working a ride, I just want to be in Florida, in Disney.

when suddenly my diet doesn't seem to be working

Yesterday was good

today is still a toss up

Trying to get back into the shape I was a year or two ago
my "dancer" shape
Dad is being as ass about going to the gym though
I'm walking more though

Went to the presentation
filled out the application
had my phone interview
things are looking really, really good.
Character audition on Oct 26th in Pittsburgh

Whether or not I get into the program does not hang on passing the audition though, because if I don't get to be a character there is still attractions and merchandise.

But I would really like to be a character.  I'm not going to lie, I REALLY want it


Either way its still 6 months living and working on Disney property in Orlando
What can really be better?

This was actually on the McFly Boards but I thought it was kinda fun and decided to post it here as well.  While reading the Radio:ACTIVE Thank You's it got a girl on the boards thinking and she basically asked us what we would write in our own Thank You's if we ever needed to write them.  Here is what I posted there



         

           First I want to thank the fans.  You guys go out and buy the CD's and come to shows and you are the reason we wake up each morning and do what we do.  It's all for you.

          Mom and Dad for putting up with me and for giving me the insanely OCD'd taste in music I have today. William for sharing mom and dad with me (even though I thoroughly think it's my turn anyways.  Plus my Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and Cousins.  You guys are the best.

         Friends - Danielle, Michelle, Anne, Chrissy, Anna, Jim, Tiesha, Sarah, Joshly, Rachel, Jazzie, Leigh, Samantha and my niece MatiLyn, Thynie, Charley, Brendon, Aislyn, Heather, Jenn, Jessica, Josh, Diana, Grace, Stephanie, Jeremy.  My 'little sisters' Ameara, Molly and Hannah.  The FOB Concert Crew, The Cobra Clan, and the NECCO Kids.

        Bands- Fall Out Boy, Cobra Starship, Sing It Loud, Standard of Living, Valencia, Mcfly, Busted (RIP), New Found Glory, Choidos, Boys Like Girls, Fightstar, Brand New, Armor for Sleep, The Academy Is..., From First to Last, Funeral for a Friend, Hawthorne Heights, Metro Station, We the Kings, The Cab, Good Charlotte (for giving me the strengh to hold on when HS Sucked)

       To all the 'Friends' that stabbed me in the back, and to all the boys that thought it was a good idea to break my heart, thanks for giving me something to write about.  Hope you enjoy your songs because now the world knows.

I know there is still more I could have written, more people I should have added, and if I actually was writing a Thank You's they prolly would have been a lot better, but this was quickly off the top of my head.

If you had to write and Album Thank You's what would you have to say?

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by asking you 5 questions of a very personal nature.
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this and an offer to interview someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed you will ask them 5 questions.



My Questions thanks to xvalderie 


1. do you like where you live? if not, where would you choose to reside?

           Sometimes I do, only because I adore Boston.  But 99% of the time I would rather be living in New York or in England

2. what is your absoulte all time favorite, can watch it every day for the rest of my life, british tv show?

            Torchwood, Doctor Who   please do not make me pick between the two, because I will not be able to

3. why is your favorite band, your favorite band?
   
           My Favorite band is my Favorite band because they put on great live shows, they are all really amazing in person, they have AMAZING songs and you can tell they all really love what they are doing

4. what do you want to do with your life?

           At one point in my life I really wanted to act.  I still would like to do that now, but more-so I want to be a tour manager, or maybe do something like the people who's only job it is to put together shows like Warped or TOC

5. will you run away to england with me and help me crash the set of Doctor Who and take the Doctor, K-9 and Captain Jack hostage?

         I'm surprised to you even have to ask, you know I will

I'm not going to lie
I'm almost completely depressed right now

I'm jealous
upset
confused
pissed
stressed
in pain (like every joint in my body cracks and hurts everytime I move)

I don't actually remember the last time I was happy for more then 3 minutes at a time
and I don't remember the last time I was TRUELY happy

Jenn is getting married on Saturday
I truely do think everything will be fine with her
I'm not worried at all
I am head over heels jealous of her though
not that is was ever my goal to be married at 21
but just the point that she has someone
she's always had someone
mind you she is completely gorgeous
and the nicest person you will ever meet
but here she is getting married
and I'm showing up to her wedding completely alone

School started today
and that right there is stressful
I suck at math and I have 2 math classes this semester
on the same day none the less
I HAVE to pass
my graduation has been pushed back 3 times already
I just want to be done
I can't go to another school, one I actually want to be, until I graduate
and by the time that happens I'll be so sick of it here, I'm just going to end up leaving completely
Wait, what the fuck and I talking about, I already do hate it here

Stupid Woody got me thinking the other night
he was in a weird mood and I'm always the first person he comes to
I try to be a good friend, but I seriously hate it when he drags me down into his nasty mood with him
We where talking about how everyone is leaving for school now
and how be both got to CC and we are 21
I started to feel like I missed some huge right of passage in my life
yes, i know it was my decision not to go away to school
but I HATE being 21 and the only place I have ever lived is under my parents roof
I don't feel like my life is going anywhere
and I'm scared to death

It's not even like I have a whole lot to look forward to
everyone is so happy around me

Danielle has Ricky and I think he's a great guy and I love him to peices and I know he makes her happy, but every once in a while I want to hang out with my best friend without talking about Ricky, or boys, or weddings, or I dunno.  I would never do anything to upset her, and like Jenn I really am happy for her, but I'm jealous as fuck.  Why I don't know, seeing as I don't have time to breathe, neverless date, but seriously?

MIchelle is the COMPLETE oppisite though.  We can't hang out for an hour without some bitchtastic mood from either her or myself about stupid guys.  What pisses me off more is that I watched her get hurt over and over by the same monster of a guy, who she STILL isnt over, as much as she pretends she is.  Yet the first time I want to try and work things out with the one guy who actually ment something to me, and she flips out.  I know she is just trying to look at me, but I want to make my own mistakes, and she needs to realize that her jackass is not the same as my jackass


I feel like I'm trapped in a bubble, or I dunno.

I hate not having money.  Shows, as stupid as they can seem to some, honestly keep me going at times.  I can't afford to make my car payment right now, neverless anything else.  I HATE not being about to rely on myself.  I actually like working.  I like having money.  Now I'm stuck at home, which is never where I want to be.  Home sucks, it always have.  I want the fighting to stop and I know it never will, so I just need to get away from it, but I can't.

Anne and I made all these plans, and as much as I want them to happen, I'm scared I may never even get the chance to meet her, neverless do anything we actually talk about.  For some reason lately I've been back on a Mcfly kick, not that I'm complaining, I met some of the most amazing people because of them, but thats also getting to me.  I don't talk to half the people I used to, and even if I wanted to, which I do, I wouldn't know the first thing to say to them, it's been so long.  I've been looking at all of Sarah's pictures from her trip to London.  I want to go so badly, but it seems like EVERYTHING that can get in the way has gotten in the way.  I'm afraid by the time I'm actually able to get to England, our friendship will have died out too, and I honestly don't think I can handle that.  Half the time she's the only person who actually gets my messed up brain, and I think that's because our friendship is actually based on having to talk.  I can't call her up and go to the movies, she lives like 3000 miles away

All I really know is that if something doesn't change in my life soon, I'm going to relapse into old ways.  It took me so long to dig my way out of that hole, if I end up there again, I don't think I'm coming out alive.

I know not that long ago I posted something about really wanting to make changes in my life.  I still am sticking to that.  I just need a good hard kick in the right direction.  I don't really want to go back to a therapist.  It never really went over so well the first 2 times.  I just don't know what to do anymore.

Its so sad thinking that at one point in my life I had EVERYTHING planned.  Now I don't even know which way is up

I dunno
this entire post is starting to seem extremely stupid to me
I'm wicked temped to just X out
though the fact I am still typing I guess can be taken as a good sign

I have English tomorrow morning
I should prolly be going to bed now
my head is pounding and I have pretty much been bawling my eyes out since writing about Jenn

I just feel like I'm drowning
and I'm too tired to keep kicking

Call me stupid
immature
crazy/ insane

I don't actually care
it was fun while we where making it
and it is something fun I do with my cousin

OK So maybe a complete new beginning isn't completely true.  I'm not moving or anything, so same people all the time.

I am however determined to make this semester a good one.  I will study way to hard for my classes that could quite easily turn me into an alcoholic.  I will let the little stupid things roll of my back.  I will enjoy the few concerts I am going to with my best friend this fall, including my first ever trip to Canada.

I've realized how negative I have been in the past and even though I know I have said it a million and a half times, I will change.  I want to be happier and I am coming to realize that if I want to be happier, it needs to start with me.

I've dyed my hair.  Not a huge change, but it was something I wanted to do, and instead of waiting for someone else to think it was ok, I just did it, only actually telling one person my plans.  I'm no longer living for other people.

Wow this all make so much more sense before I actually started writing of it down.  Oh well, my blog to do with what I like.  Not that anyone actually reads it.

I'm also over this whole guy thing.  I love relationships, but nothing seems to be worth it right now.  Chase is back in Texas, and even though I am kinda upset that we couldn't make a friendship work, I don't know what the future holds.  I am kinda ashamed of the way I acted, but I do not regret anything.

I've been kinda texting with Jim lately too.  I know that simple sentence could cause WW3 with some of my friends, but at this point I don't really care.  I feel stupid admitting that I miss him, and our friendship, and I want to get back to a point where I am comfortable around him.  I don't know how he feels, or if he wants the same, but I will find out.  At one point in my life, he meant a lot to me, so much more then my past "big girl crushes" because things where done the right way.  Wether I ever find out what could have happened, I don't know. and frankly right now, its not all that important to me

I do need a job.  I can't stand that no place seems to be hiring right now, because I am so broke.  I am also wicked bored.  I'm not the kind of person who likes sitting around and doing nothing.  I like being up and doing something, and seeing the reward for it.  plus I need new clothes.

Something I will NEVER say anwhere but here.  My best friend from HIgh School is getting married on Sept 3rd.  I am lucky enough that we have the type of friendship where I havent seen her in 2 years, yet nothing seems to have changed between us.  She has always been the type of person who's main goals in life have been to get married and have kids and be a stay at home cookie baking soccer mom.  And she is getting all of that, I couldnt be more happy for her.  I feel like such a horrible friend for admitting to be the tiniest bit jealous.  I want that and I don't understand why I am not even given the chance.  I honestly believe I could be an amazing girlfriend if I was given the chance.  So why am I not allowed to prove that?

Yes I am aware I just became a hypocrite, but it's the whole wedding mentality.  I will honestly be that same way at every wedding.

Even though I would love to stay and type some more, I kinda tired and I want to sleep.

For those of you who do read this, feel free to comment with anything, suggestions for the new, happier me, anything at all that might make me smile

I don't want to like him
yet I do

I don't want to fall for him
yet I'm heading towards rock bottom


I'm going to get hurt
and I HATE it



why?!?!?

 

 

this boy I don't even know is messing with my head

and part of the reason I like it so much........................ is because it's so wrong